DIETRA D. BONNETTE

I have been in love only a few times in my life. Dating? Sure. But that type of those makes your heart skip a beat and you stay on the phone all night? Only once or twice. My heart broke when my first engagement was abruptly called off. My immaturity and need to always be right was partly the cause.

 

Love in and of itself is an amazing and incredible thing. If God is love, then it is an absolute that He did not intend for love to ever hurt us. I’ve cried, mourned and pined for men who have blatantly shown that they have no interest in me. And I have not received respect from men that I respected greatly. But with age and experience comes wisdom, and I’ve learned that love itself was never the problem.

 

I’ve always loved the excitement of new romance, the intimacy, imagining my wedding day and navigation life with someone. Having babies, and watching those babies have babies and growing old with my beloved. This has been a longing for me. More so in my forties than in my twenties. I also thought that I would have as much time as I needed to find my forever love. However, time has slipped  away from me, and I’ve seen my share of the heartbreak. With the highs of love also come the lows. There is a sense of disappointment, loss, and grief when love is not lasting.  However, experience is the best teacher. My relationships have been like a mirror. They have shown me who I really am, and who I never want to be again. They have taught me to be vulnerable.

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When my engagement was called off three months before the wedding, to say I was crushed was an understatement. Life was full of promise. The invitations were sent, I was prepared to resign from my job, and was packing to relocate to San Diego. In one flashing moment I allowed the behavior of others to cloud my judgment. I was hurt, embarrassed and angry. Instead of clinging to my intended, I let other people invade my thoughts and I ended the engagement. I had no contact with my then fiance for a few days, hoping he would understand that I didn’t want to stop seeing him. I just did not want to get married if it was going to upset so many people. That is my biggest regret. Not ending the engagement necessarily, but because I denied my own happiness to appease others. I allowed other people to write my story.

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After a week of silence, I drove to his home. Knocked on the door. There was no answer. I walked around to the back patio and peered through the vertical blinds. I thought I went to the wrong apartment. The apartment was empty. Bare. I frantically called his cell phone. Disconnected. I called the military hospital where he worked. They said he was on personal leave. I spent days in bed crying. And that was that. I received a job offer in Virginia, packed my car, and never looked back.

 

I haven’t always been the best spouse, daughter, sister or friend. My selfishness has led to the destruction of some of my most personal relationships. Breakups, whether they are with a lover or even a friend is rough. No doubt about it. It’s going to hurt. I admit there is a flaw when I enter a new romantic relationship. My focus shifts. My prayer life wanes. My time with God is lessened because I am spending more time with my boo. I break my promises to God.

 

We switch relationships as easily as we change clothes. You can’t break up with God just like that. God is jealous and He is intentional in His actions. Everything he does to bring us to repentance, no matter how painful, is marked by a love that is everlasting. Even when He feels distant in our lives. When we get down to it, all we really want is to know there is someone who knows all about us and still loves us no matter what.

 

Hurt is inevitable. Life’s bumps and bruises have taught me much. It is in the heartache where we find joy. So, don’t be ashamed when you turn from God. Simply ask for forgiveness and tell Him about your broken heart. You will get through this. You’re allowed to feel what you need to feel, but vow to not let one heartbreak blind you so badly that you cannot see the good things happening in your life. New day. New love.

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